He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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