it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
