it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
