did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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