the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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