Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
sex in a hospital.. check
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
