Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
