he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
