see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize