I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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