Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
