Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
