Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my poor anus
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