Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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