I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
