You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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