My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
