just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
