Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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