Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
