P.S. I can't hear my feet
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
