Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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