when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
