He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
