i permit you to call me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
