Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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