"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
