Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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