Apparently you make a good broom.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize