Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
