can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
