Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
