it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
