She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize