i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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