Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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