walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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