i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
