I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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