what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
