she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
