i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
