They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
