i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
