she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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