when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
