I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
