You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
