just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
soo... how was my night?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
