guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm like, not good at living.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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