Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
