if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
