yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
