On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
