You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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