Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
