i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
