and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
